Once Upon a Time
by s0thathappened
Summary: Just random, mostly unrelated drabbles and AUs featuring Penryn and Raffe.
1. Exorcism First Date

"I don't know about this," Penryn said.

"We have holy water, crosses, bibles, a rosary, night vision goggles, flashlights, protein bars, a baseball bat, and chicken blood," her neighbor replied. He gestured to the items, neatly laid out on the floor (except for the chicken blood, which was in the fridge). "I don't know what else we're missing."

"I wasn't talking about that. I mean, actually I am, sort of. Are you sure about this whole exorcism thing?"

Raffe raised a brow. "Look, neighbor, if you're not on board, you can go. No one's making you do this."

"You're the one who asked for my help to get rid of a so-called ghost–"

"Poltergeist."

"–fine, poltergeist. Whatever. If this thing is actually real, should we be the ones trying to fight it? Why don't you just move?"

"Because I'm not going to let some poltergeist-demon-shit chase me off my property–"

"You're renting this house. We have the same landlord."

"I sleep here, my stuff is here, and I'm paying for it–it's my property." Raffe switched on his lighter and started going around the living room, lighting candles. Between the dark wallpaper and high ceilings, Penryn doubted they would be much help illuminating the room if the power went off, which Raffe seemed certain would happen.

"Anyway, _we_ aren't fighting anything. _I'll_ do the fighting, vanquishing, and general exorcising. You're here to be my witness so I know it's not all in my head."

"Great. And if we get dragged into hell, I'm going to use that baseball bat to beat you to death."

He turned to her and grinned. She cursed her own heart for fluttering. Would it have been too much for the universe to give her a new, hot neighbor without making him be a lunatic?

"Scared, Penryn?"

"I'm sitting in my crazy neighbor's living room, when it's nearly midnight. I wouldn't be here if I was scared."

"Don't worry. I'll protect you."

She mock-gagged and crossed her arms. "No thanks. I can take care of myself."

"Maybe I can use you as a virgin sacrifice to appease the poltergeist."

"I'm not a virgin."

Oh, god, why had she said that? Her cheeks burned and she wished a hole would actually open up in the earth to swallow her.

Her stupidly attractive, probably insane neighbor smirked. "I suppose I'll have to figure out something else to do with you."

Penryn's insides did a backflip. Maybe this night wouldn't end with disaster.

Then every single light in the entire house flickered off. Followed by all the candles being extinguished in a single gust of wind.

Raffe dragged off his necklace and slipped it over her head. The cross felt cool against her chest.

A chuckle emanated from deep inside the house, growing louder as the ceiling shook.

Penryn grabbed the bat. Raffe snatched up the holy water and bible. They stood back to back in the middle of the room as the windows crashed shut, one by one.

She knocked her shoulder against his side even as her fingers trembled. "You're not going to let some poltergeist-demon-shit chase you off your property, are you?"

"Like hell I will."

* * *

So, hello everyone. I don't really like the two pieces I'm putting up here, but I've been having major writer's block and just want to put something up. And these have been sitting on my computer since forever.


	2. Knight, Maiden, Traitor, Thief

_Sherwood Forest, 1200s_

Beliel's men had Raffe and his lieutenant surrounded. He cast a wary eye to the river behind him and Howler, but he doubted they could swim faster than the thugs.

Three men on his side, three men on Howler's side. Beliel in the middle. All wearing chainmail and helmets. Raffe had faced far worse odds, but that was with his sword by his side.

"Come to ambush me again?" Raffe snarled at Beliel. He drew his knife while Howler gripped his ax. "Tell me, have you ever waged a fair fight, or do you only skulk around and attack from the behind like a thief?"

"Did you lead your men into a fair fight in the holy land?" Beliel smiled savagely. "Or did you abandon them to their death like you did with me?"

"Better dead than Uriel's lapdog."

"Then I shall grant you your wish. Kill them!"

The guards closed in. As the nearest one raised his sword high to cut Raffe down, an arrow shot straight through one hand and cut into the other. He screamed, dropping the sword. Raffe snatched it.

The guard swinging for Howler faltered in surprise, and then dropped to the floor like a stone as another arrow burrowed deep in his leg.

"What in the name of-" Howler turned to Raffe in askance, but Raffe hushed him. He searched the treeline. Just a glimpse, a single glimpse, would be enough...

Even as the others turned to face the new threat, more arrows rained down lightning-quick. They landed on arms and shoulders and feet and legs, stucking with lethal accuracy if not at lethal targets. Within a minute, every guard was disarmed.

One burrowed itself into Beliel's massive back. With a growl, he snapped the stem clean off, pulverizing the wood in his fist.

He swung towards the direction of the woods it came from.

"SHOW YOURSELF!" he roared, over the rush of the river. "YOU LYING, SNEAKING-"

"The only lying sneak present is you," came a voice from the opposite side of the woods. Beliel, panting like the wounded animal he was, spun to face it. "When I sneak about, I am honest about it."

Standing the branch of a sturdy oak, with a bow trained on the cohort of men, there was a figure clad in lincoln green. A hood obscured what Raffe knew to be black, silken hair. A kerchief covered up soft, fair skin and ruby red lips. But even if he didn't know that so well, he would recognize those eyes anywhere.

Dark. Intelligent. Soulful. They flickered over to him, not meeting his gaze, and then away.

"So," Beliel said. "The legendary Robin Hood has deigned to make an appearance. No need to cover up your face. Your secret's out-we already know that you're a wench."

The Hood curtsied, in britches, on a tree. With her head bowed demurely and eyes cast to the ground, she let loose an arrow. It landed on the ground between Beliel's legs.

"Guilty as charged," she said. Her tone was light-hearted, but Raffe had never seen her eyes so cold. She refused to catch his eye. "I can always unsex you, and then you can be my fellow wench."

She notched another arrow, making a show of her target.

"You usually skulk in the shadows, Robin Hood. What's drawn you out of hiding? Have you come to rescue your traitor beloved?"

"I'm not here to rescue Lord Raphael or Lord Grinning Idiot-"

"Sir!" corrected Howler.

"Forgive me, Lord Raphael or _Sir_ Grinning Idiot from whatever drama this is. I merely was on my way to inform you of something, and I thought I would try some target practice. I couldn't shoot unarmed men, so unfortunately I had to make due with you and your guards. Attacking someone when they can't fight back reeks of a certain...traitorous stench?"

Beliel growled. "I preferred it when you paraded around as a man. At least you didn't chatter so much."

"I can assure you I despise talking to you as well, but I am trying to pass the time."

"For what? Pass the time for _what_?"

"Remember all those taxes that you snatched from the good folk of this shire? That you and your minions threatened and cajoled and killed for in the name of Prince Uriel?"

"Yes, yes. _What of it?_ "

Penryn pointed behind them, to the river.

"There it goes."

A massive chest floated and bobbed and raced down the rushing river, already out of reach by the time they turned around.

Beliel stared at the rapidly disappearing chest and then whipped around to face the bandit.

"You little bitch!" He turned to his men. "After it, you fools!"

"Better run along, Beliel. Don't want to lose all that gold. And don't bother sending anyone to fetch your horses. They seem to have vanished."

"You'll live to regret this, Robin Hood. I'll make sure of it." He took after his thugs, who were hobbling down.

Howler and Raffe watched them retreat.

"Did that really happen?" Howler asked. "Or was that all a dream?"

"I pray you have sweeter dreams than this," Raffe replied.

Howler grinned and called out to the trees. "Many thanks, Lady Hood!"

"Do not encourage her," muttered Raffe. He searched the treeline, but there was no sign of her.

"You have been keeping secrets, my friend. Do tell the tale."

"There is no tale to tell."

"Nothing to tell? Not even about the gift she left you?"

"What?"

Howler pointed. Raffe had been so busy looking in between the greenery he forgot to check the ground. At the base of the tree she had been standing on laid a long thin bundle of cloth.

He had to force himself not to run to it. He knelt to unwrap it while Howler looked his shoulder curiously. Raffe could have told him what it was, he already knew.

"Bear."

"You have given your sword a new name?" Howler asked. Raffe didn't answer. "I thought it had gone missing yesterday."

"No doubt stolen by Uriel." And returned by the same person who had given it a new name. Raffe traced the intertwined strands of hair and thread tied around the hilt.

"Stolen by a prince and given back by a thief. How strange. Although most proper thieves do not toss gold down the river."

"I don't think she did. Gold doesn't float. It sinks."

"And the chest was riding the river with no issue...Ha! Send the guards running after an empty distraction and make off with the riches. Very clever." Howler clapped Raffe on the back. "The knight and the lord, the thief and the lady. Right. There's no story there."


End file.
